so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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