I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Randomize
