Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
