Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
