My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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