My sheets look like a crime scene.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
