apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
