I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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