best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
