i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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