so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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