you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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