The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
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Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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