Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
