Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
