Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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