I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
