If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
