I met the friendliest cop last night
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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