We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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