You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
