i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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