There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
