My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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