i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
