I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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