that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
