I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
