even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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