I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
