you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Hello my rib-scented angel!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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