Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
