Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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