just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
