Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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