when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
