Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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