Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
