I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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