I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
