My Higher Power is John Stamos
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
