yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
