Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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