You just made me feel so damn special
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
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I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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