I think I won the penis lottery.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
