ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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