Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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