You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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