is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
