My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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