I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
