apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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