how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize