So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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