just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
We were destined to go to rehab together
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
