I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Farmville is her only friend.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
