you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
