I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Randomize
