I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
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I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
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There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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