No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
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Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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