We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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