I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
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Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
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YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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