I have demons in me.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
